Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Friendster Testimonials-- I am Dexter's Soul

"Miai is SUPPA GREAT... " (huhh?)
"...there's a story behind that and it's interesting... that's Kirk..."
"I was there when _____ first came out of the closet. He's a great friend..."

These things are ultimately worthless as accurate graphs of a person's spirit.
They do exist, however, to defuse the reader's native fear of The Other. In a service like Friendster, they are a must. The effect is that (ideally) you can't help but want to meet these people, especially when their presentable pictures are associated with the positive images conjured up by those descriptions. (Indeed, this is a crude illustration of how unethical practitioners of neurolinguistic programming get people to hop into bed with them.)

That said, let's put up some testimonials for my hypothetical Friendster account.

She is a wonderful girl. Charming and full of poise. A go-getter with a goal she sticks to. She wastes no time at work, in courtship, and even in the termination of relationships she no longer finds viable. She is the personification of sweetness, a vision of Eden before the Fall.

Reed-thin, but an effective artist in a peer group that groans under the weight of so many. A good ear; a student of human nature. Fun loving. Deep. Mystical. Meet him. Please.

Fiendster Testimonials-- I am Dexter's Spleen

When I met her in '96, I just wanted to protect her from her lascivious male acquaintances. Fayth and Wadi would later tell me otherwise, noting that I was "smitten" (Fayth's word). And that I wanted something "more than friendship" (Wadi's words). When I finally did give in to my growing one-sided cathexis to Lilith, in the face of society's collective better judgement, I got egg in my face.

Salient facts for prospective friends, dates and activity partners:
1. This woman turns heads.
2. She knows it.
3. This girl's been around.
4. She knows it.
5. You hurt her, I will kill you.
6. She knows it too.

When I first met Elf, I was nearly overcome with a fear so powerful, it killed all thought and turned my knees to water. Not that I was afraid of him. I was a practitioner of at least one martial art from China, India and Japan... Okay, I was a lousy practitioner, but I knew enough to put away at least one attacker of my height and build. No, I wasn't afraid of him. I only feared only what he represented-- a living threat to my plans of closure. Lilith, it seems, gets around. When I saw her last, her arms were around Elf.

Truth to tell, I don't know Elf that much. But we did get to rake Lilith over the coals while sipping beers at Big Sky Mind and Mister Kebab's. Nice guy. Yeah, it's pretty safe to meet him.

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