Sunday, October 30, 2005

Celebrating My Friends

Prologue.
When my girlfriend lowered the boom on my unsuspecting head that she was leaving me for Mr Right, I was... well, you know what that's like. I had thought I could forgive and let it all roll off of me like water off a duck's back. I surprised myself, strangely pleasantly, when I found out that I could still feel angry. "Hurt" and "Betrayed" were familiar feelings but angry... angry was almost welcome, one of the signs that pointed to my still being human.

Misogyny.
Then I became a misogynist. I'd see a beautiful girl and then just when my appreciation would kick in, so would the little voice in my head that sounded a lot like Emperor Palpatine. Uncle Palpy would start ruining my day by telling me what biological timebombs all women are, that they will leave me for an Alpha Male as soon as I let down my guard... Mostly bullsh!t, of course, but I was vulnerable and God only knows I woulda listened to the mushrooms in my backyard if they grew mouths and started to speak.

The Japan trip did a lot for me by shutting Uncle Palpy up. I guess even his nasty dark side powers couldn't stand long against my natural sunny disposition, especially now that the impossible had happened and I'd set foot once more on foreign soil. I saw Japan the way most people never do, by literally being driven across almost two thousand kilometers worth of countryside. I remember falling in love with the greenery, the well-maintained roads, the hotels and the ramen. I came back from that trip a changed man. I had a greater feeling that I was indeed coming into my own.

I still was ambivalent about women though. Uncle Palpy was exorcised but I was still, to quote a friend, "damaged goods." I'd gotten a greater understanding of the kind of woman I wanted to be with-- not a doll-- I was still unsure as to whether I wanted to be with a woman in the first place. Y'know, with marriage and male-female relationships being the sordid, messy things they are.

Until Wednesday night the week after I arrived. A friend of mine reminded me then, subtly-specially, why a woman's smile, her touch, her regard were worth all the crap men go through just to be with one or more of the delightfully maddening creatures.

Digression: I still want Anna back.

Get by with a Little Help...
Anyway, I couldn't have made it this far out my dark tunnel of personal crap without some of my friends who've helped prop up my battered ego.

And so, my next few posts (likely every other post) will be tributes to my friends. Because many of my friends are delightfully maddening creatures themselves, I'll be featuring quite a few of them.

Please. Indulge me.

Friday, October 14, 2005

You Are A: Lamb!

lambPeaceful and gentle, lambs have been used in religious imagery for millennia. Lambs are baby sheep, an animal tended by shephards since the dawn of history. As a lamb, you tend to stay together in a flock and graze on grassy land. Lambs don't mind being led and tend not to go off on their own.

You were almost a: Kitten or a Monkey
You are least like a: Turtle or a MouseWhat Cute Animal Are You?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Understanding
Dominant Personality: Understanding

Good Traits: You gravitate towards people,
and are a shoulder to lean on. You give advice
at any given time.

Bad Traits: You aren't close with any one
person. You immerse yourself in other people's
problems and forget your own.

People see you as: Friendly, secretive, and
popular. People envy you, and may try and use
you as a tool

You're most like: Grace. You both have
positive relationships with people. Neither of
you have close friends, but unlike graceful
people, you try to help people out and aren't
as arrogant.

You need more: Solitude. You hardly get the
chance to breathe when you take on the world's
problems. You can't take other's
responsibilities or put them before your own.
Be selfish once in a while and discover who you
really are.


What's your dominant trait? (10 unique results)
brought to you by Quizilla

Monday, October 10, 2005

I'm feeling the jetlag and I'm not even on a plane. I've logged a thousand or so kilometers on overland travel by now. And I've got more kilometers to finish up today. But the weather is kind even if it's cold. I hope the winters aren't as cruel as they're made out to be. I could live here if I could speak the language better and get used to the weirdness. The men look like women and the women look like dolls. While I like the anime there isn't enough of it on the hotel channels (they only have five or so in this hotel-- I am falling in love with it. I just wish a night's stay wasn't so expensive).

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Is there life after Anna?

Assuming she decides not to come back to me after all, that becomes the pertinent question. For her, there is certainly life after Dex, and that knowledge comforts as well as chills to the very marrow.

As her best friend, I can't help but be happy that she can seemingly recover so easily from the pain of a breakup. (Yeah, yeah I know jack sh!t about women and how they feel. Rooiiight. But I do know that women are a hardy bunch, sometimes more so than men.) In my capacity as the newly-designated ex though, that sucks. 12, maybe more years relegated to the attic of personal history-- where all the baggage is stowed away and gradually forgotten. I'll be lucky if I even get an attic. I'll be lucky if I'm even "best friend" after all the dust settles.

"Let go. Move on." That's the advice I've been getting from quarters left and right of me. I will, eventually, if I cannot prove you pundits wrong. I lock most everything important to me in amber. Some things exist that I wish to forget, but things like love are locked away where I can revisit them and cherish their memory. The comforts and palliatives you offer me are sadly, what's the best word for it...? empty.

Please understand: I've built my life, my very identity on proving the assumption that two people can love for years upon uncounted years. I'd sacrificed my grades, my career choices on the blind chance that the rest of the things I want would come my way if I'd gotten one thing down pat: more important than wealth or fame or even narrow concepts of Godhead, it's the unwavering caring and support of someone who gives a damn about your life-- someone, in fine, who loves you. Someone, in fine, that you support and care about unstintingly.

It took me years to forget about アンジェリカ and ヒルダ and マリレン. When the dust from each aborted courtship settled there was only Anna. I am not about to waste any more time trying to forget her. She's the One (cue movie soundtrack here).

I love her. I can shout it on every mountaintop--not that it would matter much now. The point is I can wait. I am still waiting. If and only if I have exhausted every means to facilitate a change of heart and the One is not cooperative, I will have to plagiarize lines from another movie and contemplate the words: "There is another."

There is life after Anna because there has to be. If the pillars that support your old identity crumble from underneath, you are responsible for building a new one. I choose to rebuild later as I still have room in my life for her, despite the exotic changes said life is undergoing.

Check back with me from time to time. Maybe we'll have gotten back together. Or maybe I'll have hooked up with someone new-- I don't want to, of course(hint, hint). Or maybe I'll do a McVie and be committed to single blessedness for the rest of my natural life.

Dexter  Lira
出来スタリラ
2005年10月9日
________________________
Written at the Toyoko Inn in Kofu, Japan. The hotel's great and use of the Internet is free. I'm checking in here the next time I'm in Japan.