Is there life after Anna?
Assuming she decides not to come back to me after all, that becomes the pertinent question. For her, there is certainly life after Dex, and that knowledge comforts as well as chills to the very marrow.
As her best friend, I can't help but be happy that she can seemingly recover so easily from the pain of a breakup. (Yeah, yeah I know jack sh!t about women and how they feel. Rooiiight. But I do know that women are a hardy bunch, sometimes more so than men.) In my capacity as the newly-designated ex though, that sucks. 12, maybe more years relegated to the attic of personal history-- where all the baggage is stowed away and gradually forgotten. I'll be lucky if I even get an attic. I'll be lucky if I'm even "best friend" after all the dust settles.
"Let go. Move on." That's the advice I've been getting from quarters left and right of me. I will, eventually, if I cannot prove you pundits wrong. I lock most everything important to me in amber. Some things exist that I wish to forget, but things like love are locked away where I can revisit them and cherish their memory. The comforts and palliatives you offer me are sadly, what's the best word for it...? empty.
Please understand: I've built my life, my very identity on proving the assumption that two people can love for years upon uncounted years. I'd sacrificed my grades, my career choices on the blind chance that the rest of the things I want would come my way if I'd gotten one thing down pat: more important than wealth or fame or even narrow concepts of Godhead, it's the unwavering caring and support of someone who gives a damn about your life-- someone, in fine, who loves you. Someone, in fine, that you support and care about unstintingly.
It took me years to forget about ｱﾝｼﾞｪﾘｶ and ﾋﾙﾀﾞ and ﾏﾘﾚﾝ. When the dust from each aborted courtship settled there was only Anna. I am not about to waste any more time trying to forget her. She's the One (cue movie soundtrack here).
I love her. I can shout it on every mountaintop--not that it would matter much now. The point is I can wait. I am still waiting. If and only if I have exhausted every means to facilitate a change of heart and the One is not cooperative, I will have to plagiarize lines from another movie and contemplate the words: "There is another."
There is life after Anna because there has to be. If the pillars that support your old identity crumble from underneath, you are responsible for building a new one. I choose to rebuild later as I still have room in my life for her, despite the exotic changes said life is undergoing.
Check back with me from time to time. Maybe we'll have gotten back together. Or maybe I'll have hooked up with someone new-- I don't want to, of course(hint, hint). Or maybe I'll do a McVie and be committed to single blessedness for the rest of my natural life.
Written at the Toyoko Inn in Kofu, Japan. The hotel's great and use of the Internet is free. I'm checking in here the next time I'm in Japan.