(an old post from my old account)
Pride & Anger, Lust & Despair
They will no doubt be speaking of this over beer and peanuts, laughing (albeit ruefully) at their poor choice of friends. Their best memories of him will not be that he was caring or loving or kind, but that he was irritating and inconvenient.
It angers him that he cannot love on his own terms. That he has to drag other people with him in this. That it is always someone else who calls all the shots. Someone else who wins. That when he breaks they once again prove themselves right. That there is simply no room for him in their lives.
He rages against his own impotence. At the love and lust he is forced to displace. He withdraws socially and turns his anger inwards because such anger should no longer find its expression in violence in front of other people. He cuts his heart into little pieces with a dull knife and he serves it with fruit; with dark chocolate and his spleen; with a smile and his compliments. And he is still the guy who eats it. With his katsudon or his Mongolian beef bowl.
In a Christian's universe, despair is among the greatest sins. It blasphemes God by telling all and sundry that He is either a malicious manichean demi-urge who gets off seeing His children suffer in some sick cosmic telenovella or He is powerless to effect a lasting beneficent change in a person's life. The man is at a point in between bouts of creativity and lucidity where he skirts despair on a regular basis.
This is not a good time to ask him for counsel. But make no mistake: He will crawl out of this funk.