Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Miracle of Marriage

I wrote this as a partial response to another blog post, about, yes, marriage.   

I've stopped believing in it, or at least believing in it for me. There are just too many walls to break through, and we're often the same people who build them up. I've banged my head on the brick walls of a lover's recalcitrance, ambitions, fears, and her doubts that are simply not extinguished except by ending the relationship. I give of myself and I come away from these dissolutions a smaller and smaller man.

This has been happening for a year-- I cry in the night. I cannot sleep except when I exhaust myself. I detest weekends because I know everyone else is having fun and I do not have any kind of work with which to keep the feelings of loss, inadequacy and despair at bay. I can't even write about this (catharsis therapy) without some well-meaning friend coming down on me about how my writing inconveniences them and would I please just stop because I'm driving them crazy.

The grand irony is that a good marriage is all I have ever wanted since I was 10 or 12. The best I can reasonably hope for now is canned intimacy-- the kind of companionship you pay for, time bound, cold, counting peak experiences in units of motel hours or "How many times did you orgasm?" I have not yet taken this road but my feet are guided inexorably to it.

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Tina, I love you. Without you my life is crap.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Open Line; Chuseok

Father, today I had a new phone for all of thirty five minutes. In the space of two, it--and most everything significant it stood for-- was whisked away: another example, seemingly, of how circumstances dangle what you want in front of you and then snatch it away when you're at your weakest. I don't know what possible good can come of this. All I know is what everyone else will infer from the day's events. 

Yes, their opinions count insofar as I care about them.

When I look back on what happened, the loss isn't what disappoints me. It is in part the way that loss sneaks up on you like a demon who kills a husband before he can lie with his wife. 

Still the day wasn't a total loss. I am at east thankful for that much. I am hopeful that my assessment of humanity will be wrong. This is Chuseok after all-- Koreans take this time to reconnect with family, gaze at the moon and make a wish.     

I won't mind losing the phone so much--there's still a chance that I can get it back; I won't even mind losing the sim. In the end, they're just money. I can earn that back and more in fifteen days. I miss my friend-- that loss I'll probably be upset about 'til the day I die.

If there is anything I wish for most fervently, it'll be a reconcilliation. It doesn't have to be tearful-- just permanent.

Father, you know what I mean. This is me praying. I would appreciate it very much if I weren't gypped.  In any case, thank you for listening; thank you, most importantly, for what I still have. 

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I spoke too soon...

Crap! It turns out that it might be weeks before the mini-Big-Bang inducing supercollisions happen. They only tested the device today, made a stream of hydrogen nuclei run a few laps around the 17- mile semiconductor torus (doughnut shaped pipe) at near-light speed. We all have to wait some more for this revolution in physics that I have somehow tied to my personal well-being.

If it works and the world doesn't burn, great. We learn more about the Universe as God first saw it. What's dark matter? Do Higgs particles exist? We finally get closer to answering these questions. If it works and it does start the world off on "an accelerated heat death," that's fine with me too. In my book, the universe may need to be rewritten anyway.

I said in the last post one need not wait for world-shaking events to help them mark changes in their lives. One only needed faith and an event to attach significance to. Personal drivel, I know. I promised not to indulge in it, but methinks events top-billing supercolliders are a special case.

Collision!

When I rest my head on my pillow tonight-- more likely when I pass out in front of my PC writing the nth draft of my letter to Tina in between blogging and playing Temple of Elemental Evil -- I will lose consciousness in the simple faith that my universe will change. Perhaps it won't be a Grand World-Stopping Event. Perhaps the change will be like most changes that have made themselves felt in my life--minuscule, subtle, with long-term ramifications that will defy my feeble attempts at exact predictive analysis.

They're firing up that potentially world-destroying super-supercollider.

But one doesn't really need major events like that to usher in a much-needed change. We already do that at the beginning of every year; at the end of every significant relationship, romantic-, business-, legal- or otherwise.

All we need, all we have to go on, really, is a little faith. Or in publisher Kennth Yu's case, a lead-lined bunker, bug spray and a sh!tload of chips.

Monday, September 08, 2008

Bought the Flag

I don't imagine I'll have the time to properly assemble it though. But if there's one thing I learned about humanity, it is that it thrives on purchases, deeds and products whose only significance is symbolic.

A new car means "you have arrived." A new dress means "I can now give myself permission to feel beautiful." A new SVMS 01E Flag model kit means... I don't know what it means. Perhaps it means my feeble attempts at reconnecting with the friends I've neglected --because I've been futilely trying to reconnect with my ex-- may work. Perhaps it's just another way to fill the void my ex has left in me. Perhaps it's another palliative (God, I hate these things. Meaning? think "placebo"). But I am coming to terms with an existence that, potentially, will not include someone with whom to whisper nothings in the middle of the night.

Welcome to the new new celibacy, Mr. Lira. And surprise surprise, you don't have to be a priest to take part in it.

Damn it, where're the exact-o knife and the super glue!?

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Tina, I love you.
Without you my life is crap.