Thursday, November 06, 2008

My Christmas Wishlist Rant

1. That some of you get married without having to be knocked up on some drunken one night stand with what you thought was a stud. 

Really, if the whole point was to not get pregnant, then maybe one should er, not get too ___faced to keep oneself continent. Yeah, I know the value of getting off-- I'll be a pansy and say I've had to do that by myself a lot lately-- but there's a reason why the prudes always advocate keeping oneself away from "occasions of sin."

I know, the dating scene is horrible, what with psycho stalkers (et tu, Brutus?) everywhere, but getting plastered at parties and clubs is exactly like painting a giant "screw me" sign all over you.

2. That some of you can let go of your damned careers long enough to explore meaningful attachments with people around you. 

I hear complaints about how lonely life is blah dee blah blah. Well, boo hoo, you chose it. So please don't get snippy with someone who offers you a respite or an alternative to all that running around chasing deadlines. He's already been inconvenienced by all the pavement he's been chasing for your sake. It's frightening having to change your schedule again to accommodate someone who walks, talks and smells different from you, but he knows that. He's always known that. Why do you think it took so long for him to tell you how you light up his cosmos? 

Yeah, I know, he's not your type. Which brings me to--

3. That we all stop looking at the goddamned superficial. 

 So what if he's too damned nice!? Or that she's too damned plain!? Do any of us seriously want to inflict another a$$hole on ourselves or on other people when the world's already teeming with members of the cynical post-innocent?

Jeez, why am I even asking people this?

4. That we stop expressing our love for each other by bludgeoning the other guy's ego and shattering his will. 

5. That we find it in ourselves to forgive.

6. That we find it in ourselves not to be afraid of the strange, the different, the queer. 

Really, what's the worst that Pablo Banilla (who has a crush on you that's why he viewed your site cutenun (TM)) can do?  

7. That she finds it in herself to really speak to me again.

8. That she finds out how happy she makes me when I catch her in the elevator, and that the knowledge doesn't freak her out.  

9. That we all become filthy stinking rich and die happy.

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